Immaturely Mature

  There was a definite part in my life where I transitioned into adulthood in my family.  In reality, I didn't exactly become adult because even now I don't exactly consider myself as an adulthood, however I can recall a time in which I became more mature as a person, perhaps even too mature for myself. 
 
  If you have read my first and second blog, you already know that when I was four, my older brother, William, passed away.  After the death of brother, I was forced into a sense of maturity that, respectively, no child should go through.  When he died, my entire family went into a state of depression and I, as a child, had to make dramatic changes in order to adapt.  For example, I became extremely morbid.  My mother still tells me of the times in which I would draw pictures of dead or dying people.  I started off just drawing my brother in the clouds, but then as my imagination started to fuel my observations of death, things started to get carried away.  Eventually my mother even had to bring me to a psychologist. 

  My thought processes also changed after the death of my brother.  I stopped seeing the world as a constant joy to be in.  Instead, I started to take a lot of things more seriously, especially when it came to death.  Firstly, I wanted to be a vegetarian for the longest time because I couldn't stand the idea of eating animals that had been murdered.  Which of course, my family wouldn't allow.  Secondly, I started to be able to empathize a lot easier and more extremely than others around me.  I can slightly remember crying multiple times simply because someone had either started to cry or even just became frustrated, just because I felt as though I exactly understood the emotions they were feeling.

  Because I knew how pain felt, and I knew what it meant to lose someone you loved and looked up to, I was then able to transition from immature to a little bit too mature for my own good.  Which is ironic because since I became so mature, I started to act more immature (what with the constant crying).

Failure

I love singing.  There's no surprise there, I do musical things all the time.  But that does mean I'm completely confident in it or my voice.  In fact, I'm very very self-conscious about my singing.
I show my self-consciousness through my legs when I'm on stage.  There's a constant shake that happens in my calves, and I can never stop it.  Unfortunately this has a major effect on my performances.
Specifically, one time in 8th grade I was auditioning for a solo in chorus.  The song was Adele's "Rolling In The Deep" and I was so excited to be doing it.  And I stayed confident until the very moment I got up to audition.  The main reason for this I think (Besides of course my normal every day self-consciousness) was that one of my friends auditioned before me, and he was soooo good.  I could tell from the moment he started singing that he was gonna get the part.  I could see it on the directors face, and that's what hurt me the most; knowing that I didn't even have a real chance to prove myself.  So when I got up there my legs immediately started shaking and I could barely hit any of the notes.  I was so off key that it felt like someone had actually taken the key and shoved it down my throat.  I felt so defeated and low that I started to cry.  Not a lot, just the type of crying where your face gets all red and you can feel your eyes puffing up. 
Anyways, I didn't get the solo.  But the sad part is that it didn't even matter to me that I didn't get the part, the real failure for me, as an 8th grader, was that I even got up there.


http://musicians.about.com/od/LifeasaMusician/ht/How-To-Deal-With-Stage-Fright.htm

My Favourite Music

I'm not a picky person.  I'll listen to anything as long as it isn't incredibly annoying to my ears.  For instance, I've been recently hooked on a Nicki Minaj song called "Feelin' Myself", and I don't normally listen to rap.  But wow that song is on point.  However, there are certain songs I just can't stand. Exhibit A: most Country music.  Nothing against those who do enjoy country, I just can't stand the simplistic lyrics and the uncomfortable feeling that some misogynist is breathing on my neck while singing about how sexy his tractor is. 
Anyways, I'm not writing here to tell you which music I don't like, I'm here to tell you which music really moves me.  And that, specifically the ability to make me move, is what I look for in music.  I just live for that moment when your sitting down and all of the sudden some jammin song comes on, and you can't but tap your feet, snap your fingers and wiggle in your seat with joy.  The type of music that can make me do this no matter who it's by, or even what it's about, is swing music.  Just thinking about it makes me smile and start dancing in my head.
Songs like "Valerie" by Amy Winehouse and "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5 are what I sing to myself in the shower or dance to at Midnight in my living room when no one else is awake.  Don't act like you've never done that, maybe with a different song but it's a solid fact that we've all danced to some song in are living room.  I might do it a little bit more regularly (literally every night) but that's neither here nor there.
I can always rely on these songs and others, even non-swing songs (anything by Robyn), to put me in a good mood, and without them life would be a poop-ton lot more boring for me.